Okay Chris, Rihanna: If You Want To Stay Together; Here’s How To Heal

As many of you know, Chris Brown entered a not guilty plea Monday on charges of beating and threatening his girlfriend, Rihanna. While the gossip is “off the chain,” rumor also has it that these two young people still continue an “off-again”, “on-again” relationship—much to the disdain of family and friends. As a dad of a daughter who was in an abusive relationship; I thought I would pull out my couch and offer some advice to these two (and some of you).


Chris, Rihanna:

First of all rumor has it that you are both pretty hot-headed, so this advice is for both of you.

Know That Being Abused Is Not Your Fault. While certain actions may trigger an abuser, their actions are their fault and are inexcusable.

Ask Yourself; Is He or She Worth It?

If You’re Together - Work on a Safety Plan. Look at patterns in your behaviors to figure out when either of you might be explosive or violent. Decide how and where you would go if you had to leave home quickly (and Chris, you should if things get heated).

Remove Yourselves From Harm As Soon As Possible. Until both of you gets help, completes therapy, and a professional says it’s okay to see each other—don’t.

Stop ALL use of alcohol or drugs.

Seek Help For Yourself. Let The Other Person Go Voluntarily. If you have to ask the other person to go, they are not sincere. Alcohol Anonymous says: “Abusive relationships do not change without sustained therapy specifically targeted toward the abusive relationship patterns. These relationships cannot be changed from one side, it takes mutual honesty, openness and willingness from both parties to work through these issues. Group therapy is highly recommended for abusers, as it helps them to break through the denial that is generally a part of the abusive patterns. (People in denial generally recognize their own dysfunctional behavior in others more easily than in themselves.) This applies to the partners of abusers as well - group helps them to break through the denial by seeing the relationship patterns from a wider view.”

Also, many authorities on the subject warn against your attending any type of counseling or therapy together—whatever triggered the abuse in the relationship may be triggered there also.

Some abusers have obtained a measure of success by attending a Batterers Intervention Program (BIPs). BIPs are educational groups that are designed to hold batterers accountable for both their physical violence and other forms of coercive behavior. Anger Management and Marriage Counseling have not netted good results.

Commit To Change For The Rest Of Your Life. Realize, That You Will Never Be Totally Cured. Abuse is about many things…control, insecurity, enabling, and most importantly, poor reactions to stress. It is poor reactions management at a basic level. It is both learned and innate. I want both of you to realize that to change one’s basic reactions is very hard and will take a very long time—probably the rest of your life. While I know you want to stay together, know that the odds of doing so without doing each other harm are against you. Sometimes, the best way to really love someone is to let them go.

And for those of you in the reading audience; how do you feel about this? Do you believe Chris is worth it? How about Rihanna? Do you think Chris or Rihanna will commit to it? Can each of them do it? Do you have any personal advice or stories you would like to share?

Domestic Violence: Dumb, 'cause you can't solve problems with your fists

I originally included a recent Rihanna photo at the beginning of this blog. Because some felt it a bit much, I have removed it. And, although the photo is disconcerting, so is this issue.

Hitting anyone out of anger is not only wrong its wrongheaded. Know why? Because you can't solve your problems with your fists. Therefore, if you're trying to solve a problem or issue in this way, you're dumb.

Did you know that African-American women experience intimate partner violence at rates 35% higher than their White counterparts and 2.5 times the rate of men and other races? It's true. And, according to the Institute on Domestic Violence, "violence affects all Americans, regardless of race, gender, or socioeconomic status. However, this threat has disproportionately dire consequences for African-American women." Did you also know that domestic violence is not just limited to men? Yeah, women hit too. But no matter which way the fists fly, the behavior is just plain wrong.

The way I see it, you've got two issues going on here: handling the explosive situation and managing your emotions. Following are tips on dong both:

If you're really trying to solve a problem or issue, you need to COMMUNICATE:

Women's media.com offers advice on controlling one's anger:

1. Become Aware of what precipitates your anger--identify what "sets you off."

2. Monitor the feelings and bodily sensations you experience when you're becoming angry.Learn to use these sensations as cues to stop...

3. Change the thoughts that trigger anger, interpreting the situation from a different (less provocative) point of view. Often, this involves looking at the situation from the other person's perspective.

4. Write down angry thoughts. Once you have them on paper, challenge and reappraise them. Or write a letter to the person you're angry with and then tear it into a hundred pieces. But be careful: The longer you dwell on what made you angry, the more reasons and self-justifications you can find for being angry. Try not to fan your own fire.

5. Identify and express the feelings that precede anger. Anger is often a secondary emotion, erupting in the wake of other feelings, like frustration, resentment, humiliation, or fear. Try to become aware of the underlying emotion and express that feeling instead of anger.

6. Respond assertively.The goal isn't to suppress anger, but to express it in non-aggressive ways. Blaming, accusations, threats and name-calling are aggressive responses. Calmly and assertively stating your thoughts and feelings about a situation, without blaming, is a far more powerful way to respond in conflict.

7. Relax.Anger is a high-arousal state, so one of the most helpful things you can do is engage in an activity that lowers blood pressure and heart rate, like yoga, stretching, deep breathing, massage, visualization, guided imagery or meditation. Activities like gardening, painting, and woodworking may also be very helpful. Running, walking, dancing, swimming and other forms of aerobic exercise "work off" anger and leave you feeling relaxed.

8. Relinquish your anger.If angry feelings about a particular person or situation are eating at you and none of the above techniques proves helpful, try doing what may be the most courageous and difficult thing of all: Just let it go. If the anger is based on some old wound deep inside, letting go starts a healing process. Consider enlisting the support of a professional counselor or therapist.

A technique I've found helpful is keeping the conversation constructive and on the issue: no name calling. Remember, words can hit like a fist. My Mom has a saying, "you can withdraw your fist, but you can't withdraw a spoken word." Think about it.
But what if despite your best efforts, you're in a heated discussion?

Associated Content printed a great article on dealing with arguments and offer the following tips:

"...the only real ways to end an argument on good terms are walk away, let down your viewpoint or find a way to change the argument into a calm discussion." The best way to attempt [to get to a calm discussion] ...without conceding your viewpoint is to use repair attempts. Make the other person aware that you understand their concerns and assure them we will discuss this when we are both calm. Another option is to turn away from anger and towards love, use affection and say something like "we do not need to do this now, just come and hug me”. Talk about issues before they become real issues and discuss things calmly before they become arguments."

Remember, never hit or insult--those two actions just won't solve your problem.

How about you? Share your story, tell me what's worked for you.